Honesty

“My husband is working at recovery from his addiction, but still struggles with being open and honest with me. It is very difficult for me to feel emotionally connected to my husband because of his dishonesty and fear of being vulnerable and open with me. What can I do to better cope with the situation or improve it?”

This is a very common dilemma, and is not simply answered, as I’m sure you have come to realize. First of all, you are asking the right question when you ask what YOU can do to COPE better with the situation. We need to keep in mind that it is up to your loved one to work his own program, and that we work ours. I can hear that you understand that and just need more tips on how, so here are a few ideas that have helped others:

1. Try not to ask questions that corner your loved one at vulnerable times or sound like you are trying to catch him in his addiction. You need to make an agreement between the two of you that you can ask him for reassurance, but this can also be done in a very positive way. An example may be: “I am seeing old familiar behaviors and dynamics that scare me. Could we go to a meeting and sort it out? It’s just as possible that I am leaning into my codependent tendencies, but I need some reassurance right now. I am feeling alone and scared.”

2. Explain how you are feeling and why, and then ask for what you need. Remember connection is a two way street. If your spouse is pulling away, they may not realize it. You are trying to make connecting with a loved one a safe thing while still being open about what you need.

Example: “I am feeling like you are far away and it scares me because that’s how it has felt in the past. Are you needing space right now or is there something I can help with? Could we have some time together later today where we could talk or reconnect?”

3. When your spouse risks and opens up to you, be thoughtful of how much he is risking and how much love for you it took, even if he doesn’t come across quite the way you had hoped. Often your loved one pulls away because he is afraid he will hurt you again – do it wrong – mess it up. Learn to be satisfied and grateful for his efforts today and he will try again tomorrow.

Try to understand that pornography is a “pseudo attachment” and that real connection has somehow been frightening and difficult for your husband. But it is no excuse for him to leave you sad and unfulfilled, and he can learn to help you feel safe, esteemed, and that you have belonging with him.