Fear Turned to Faith

A Wife’s Story – Name Withheld

“Several years ago, I found myself in a very dark and lonely place in my life. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had never been like this in my entire life. This wasn’t me! I found out first hand that the idea that pornography doesn’t hurt anyone is a tremendous lie. My heart was broken and I had never felt such intense emotional pain before and it was caused by the person I cherished the most….my husband. How could he do this to me? How did this happen? What am I going to do now? A thousand fearful questions flooded my thoughts continually. It was crippling. And I believe the most crippling aspect was the need to hide all these ugly secrets from everyone. What would people think if they knew? I didn’t know who to turn to and yet I knew that I had to speak to someone. I was consumed with pain and I needed help.”

“I know it was a tender mercy that I was able to attend a support group using the Healing Through Christ workbook. I was able to connect with other women who feared the same things, thought the same things, and felt the same things I was feeling. I was no longer alone in this horrendous trial! Now, if I’m being completely honest, the workbook made me angry at first. Why did I have to look at myself and my own actions? I felt like I was being punished. Didn’t anyone realize that I was the victim here? But as I continued to attend for support and the love from others who understood my pain, I realized the blessing of working the Steps for myself. It was difficult to learn to ‘let go and let God.’ It took an immense amount of faith and trust to turn my husband and his ugly addiction over to God. However, it was in this ‘letting go’ that the atonement of Christ was able to truly heal me. I needed peace. I needed comfort. I needed reassurance and love. I found all of this and more when I finally let go and trusted in God who says, ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.’ (John 14:27). I desperately needed this peace. I needed the release of my fears. I was given all of this as I let go and realized more clearly the things I am able to change and the things I have no control over. This peace is truly a gift from God and continues to be a miracle in my life.”

“It has been several years now and as I look back on my journey, I’m actually grateful for this trial. I can’t believe I can even say that. This trial has definitely changed me, and I can say for the better. I’m a different person now. I’m a different mother, wife, and friend. I have more compassion. I have more hope. I have more peace and comfort. I’ve seen miracles. My relationship with my husband is better than it ever was before. I now know how to live one day at a time. I no longer fear the future and the past doesn’t hold me hostage. It is only through the loving, miraculous grace of my Savior that I am able to feel these things. I love Him for willingly laying down His life for me. So I could heal from this pain. So my husband could heal. So I can have faith instead of fear. So I can see sin differently. So I can feel His mercy and His endless love for me. So I can feel special and beautiful and important. Yes, this trial began with heartache, sorrow, fear, anger, and pain. I felt broken. But I received the promise, ‘He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds’ (Psalms 147:3). I love and am grateful for my new, intimate, personal understanding of the depth and breadth of the atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ.”