Communication

“I’m in a less common situation where I am dating an addict rather than married to one. In a relationship where we are not living together, let alone sleeping together, discussion of a sex addiction brings up things we have not yet experienced on our own terms. I am wondering about how much disclosure I should ask for when in large part, I almost don’t want to know. Yet, it seems naive or dangerous to not ask. What should I do?”

Thank you so much for asking a very good question. It makes sense that you would be concerned about how the addiction of your loved one will affect intimacy if you decide to get married. The truth of the matter is that this is very personal to you and the man you are dating. In general, however, we can talk about how the addiction has affected others in your situation.

It is common for the woman in such a relationship to wonder if her partner is staying true to her in his thoughts when they are in an intimate situation, or if he is thinking of the pictures that may resurface in his head. She may wonder if she can live up to his “sexual paradigm” that has been altered by his addiction. It may be good for you, if you are considering marriage, to discuss sexual paradigms, boundaries, expectations, etc. It will be important for him to be willing to reassure you when you need it, and for both of you to build a strong trust in each other’s loyalty. Another common concern is that your partner may not be treating you as a woman, but as an object or toy. This is a feeling that can come up for you out of fear whether it is really happening or not and can be very frustrating to him. Again, the key lies in the ability to reassure each other and meet each other’s needs in a very safe and caring manner so that you can maintain the trust you are building.

It is common for the man in the relationship to have shame when the topic comes up, even if you are just asking for reassurance. He will need understanding and help in maintaining his image of an equal partner who is safe with you in spite of his vulnerability in this area. His addiction has most likely sprung from a deep seeded need to replace vulnerable real relationships with a safe, stress coping mechanism that eliminates vulnerability altogether. So asking him to talk to you in such vulnerable ways may be hard at times. If you begin now, and talking intimately becomes a comfortable part of your relationship, it is more likely that physical intimacy will follow in a warm and healthy way.

It may be good to consider seeking professional help when having these conversations since you are exploring a sensitive and fairly new area of your relationship. The right therapist could support these conversations while assisting you in formulating good questions to ask.