“Could you give me an example of a boundary that I could implement with my addicted husband? Would you explain how I implement it and how I follow up if the boundary is ignored?”

boundaries are like fencesThis is a very good question, because both of you have important needs in the relationship, and unfortunately there are times where the spouse feels it is not safe to voice her own needs. There are several reasons for this, including the fear that your addicted loved one will become upset and act out again, or that you will be blamed for being his reason for repeating his addiction. But it is a thinking error to believe that the more invisible and care taking you become, the healthier your addicted loved one will become. Take a few minutes to sit down and write out a list of your own needs and boundaries for a healthier more balanced relationship. If you have a sponsor or a therapist, or a wise friend, ask for their help so that your list can be fair and balanced. Some things you may want to have on that list may be:

  • I need a partner that is available to do his part in earning a living and running an orderly home.
  • I need a partner in parenting our children who leads out part of the time.
  • I need a sweetheart who values me and is kind and thoughtful to me.
  • I won’t lie or sneak around to cover for my spouse, and would not expect him to do that for me.
  • I need my spouse to be open, transparent and honest with me.

There are many other boundaries that you may feel are important to you that you could list and discuss together. It is equally important that your addicted loved one have a chance to make his own list of needs and boundaries too, so that a feeling of mutual respect is felt by both spouses. When a boundary is violated by either partner, it is important to sit down and discuss it. Neither partner is perfect and both will make mistakes. Boundaries can include consequences, and even need to, for more serious betrayals. These consequences must be chosen carefully and followed up on firmly. Be careful that you have thought these through wisely and have a plan laid out. It is also important that these boundaries and consequences are not held over each other’s heads in a hurtful way. Marriage is meant to be a joyful relationship in which both partners feel safe and respected. When your spouse is unwilling to talk after breaking a boundary, give him some time and approach him again after a break. If he is still not willing to talk, seek help from your sponsor, therapist or ecclesiastical leader and discuss the consequences.